Dear Fountain,

Good afternoon students. Today’s lesson is traffic psychology and etiquette. We’ll start with a general question. Does traffic congestion bring out A) the best in people, or B) the worst in people?

The answer of course is C) both A and B. There is good and bad in everything we do, and lets be honest, defining good and bad motorist behavior is a gray area. To a maniacal and pompous donkey rear, bad is apparently good, and vice versa for their Good Samaritan antagonists.

Let’s say there is one line of traffic into or out of a heavily congested event parking lot, like a ballgame, or concert, with merging lanes at various points of contention, and we are already in the one line. Our well intended yet contentious friend Pops would say, “Stay on the next guy’s bumper. You have to be aggressive. Do not let anyone in.” Pops is an example of what type of motorist behavior? Correct, bad ... and good, you’ve been listening. He thinks it’s good, others think it’s bad. 

A contra opinion would be to let every other one in, whereby the first car trying to merge is allowed space to do so, and then the gap gets closed, and so on, and so on by succeeding cars. Seems reasonable, doesn’t it? Note: This option is assuming the mergers have to do so through no fault of their own. Meaning, they didn’t knowingly zoom up ahead in a free moving parallel lane intent on merging at the last minute ahead of cars that have paid their waiting game dues. This is equivalent to taking cuts, and is frowned upon by aggressive and passive alike. This situation would be considered a what-if.

Bare in mind however, that sometimes these cut-the-line doers have done so out of ignorance or other less offensive reasons, and not because they set out to beat the system with their fancy trickery. As your instructor, I can tell you humbly this has happened to me. I have found myself in this outside lane by innocent human mistake. Not this weekend passed, no, well maybe, and I’ll tell you what, a person plays heck trying to get back in, blinkers blinking, hands waving, apologies flowing, or not.

The steely blue sedan ignored us totally; the driver’s hands and fingers clenched white around the steering wheel, neck bowed, and eyes spiked straight ahead, not a micrometer of space between his bumper and the next. I know he saw me. He did. The saucy number in the red sports car wouldn’t let us in either. She was well versed in sign language though, and wished me a happy first birthday, and a gift of sneer. If it weren’t for the flower power minibus I think we’d still be there. Thanks dude.

Navigating stop and go traffic is stressful, students. Suffice to say at no time should a motorist act, whether real or imagined, in a way that suggests their time is more valuable than another’s. This includes donning an emergency vehicle like flasher and siren to get ahead. While tempting, what cop hasn’t tried it, this technique is sadly identifiable, and punishable by law. Traffic offenses like these and others may also be construed as war-like, and subject to missile-like retaliation. Our vehicle now has a mark to prove it. And do not attempt to use women and children as human shields. They offer little deterrence.

Should you arrive safely within the confines of an event or activity, there may be carryover anxiety and ill-will too. While I cannot state unequivocally that the toe-to-toe disagreement I experienced with a fellow participant was traffic rage related, the odds would appear in that favor. At a crowded and thinly marked event, I was “blocking” this person’s view. Whaa!!!

In conclusion, students, be careful out there. Oh, and remember, vehicle size doesn’t necessarily denote driver size or temperament, and watch out for weapons of dash destruction. Class dismissed.

Sincerely,
Malcolm Allyn
Fountain Dude/Lane Laureate